Familial estrangement seems to be increasing
27% of adult Americans are estranged from a close family member
In most cases it is young people who cut ties:
Those who decide to break off contact with their parents find support in a growing body of books (often with the word “toxic” in the title), as well as online. Threads on internet forums for people who want to break ties with their parents reveal strangers labelling people they have never met as narcissistic or toxic and advising an immediate cessation of contact. This may make it easier to shelve feelings of guilt.
Therapy has played a role too, says Dr Coleman. A lot of therapy in America emphasises the role family dysfunction plays in personal unhappiness. Though it is often a factor, it is also often not, he says. “As therapists we need to do due diligence on what our patients say. Just as I wouldn’t take at face value a parent’s depiction of their parenting as flawless, I wouldn’t assume an adult child’s claim that a parent is ‘toxic’ should be accepted without further inquiry,” he says. He is launching an online programme with a British researcher that helps therapists and others develop techniques for working with those who have become estranged from close relatives.
Raising awareness about the issue in this way is likely to be important, and not only because some broken bonds may be fixable. Parent-child estrangement has negative effects beyond the heartbreak it causes. Research suggests that the habit of cutting off relatives is likely to spread in families. But most immediately, it is likely to exacerbate loneliness in old age.
Anecdotally, I have noticed an increased tendency for young people to pathologize the behavior of others.